Pick Your Pain

Dear Readers:

Today I'm having a good day. That's because last week and the week before it are behind me. The dreaded visit at the dentist's office is over, and I've finished my maiden voyage in the underground world visited by proctologists.

The dentist was bad enough. No matter how much anesthetic is given, I can always count on an uncomfortable experience. Usually, I get reassuring words like, "The shot will take the pain away," and I'm left with a drooling lip, but a partially anesthetized tooth. Halfway through the procedure I'm likely to be in a suspended state of animation, levitated several inches above the dentist's chair, my hands firmly gripping both arm rests. Somehow, the dentist got it right this time, and there wasn't any pain. But it was too late. The mental stress from years of dental work had taken its toll. I felt like I was sitting next to a guy trying to reassure me I was safe, while he defused a bomb.

The dentist was followed by another trauma -- the colonoscopy. I'm over fifty, so I'm supposed to get one to make sure I don't have colon cancer. I asked my family doctor to schedule one, since I've put it off for so long. The worst part of the procedure wasn't the colonoscopy, but the preparation; a liquid diet and laxative the day before, and no liquids the day of the procedure. That worked out to about thirty hours of no real food. By the time my scheduled colonoscopy arrived, I was feeling crummy and listless. The nurse noticed my haggard appearance and asked if I was okay. I said I wasn't. She asked if I did anything unusual. I told her I ran 10 miles, because I felt lousy. Then I knew I was in trouble. She told me I was a doctor and should have "known better" than to run on a empty stomach and dehydrate myself. I told her I felt just as lousy before the run, but no matter how much I tried to convince her, she stood her ground. Then she rounded up the troops and told more nurses. I tried a lame joke: "Hey, I'm a child psychiatrist. I never grew up." But they didn't look amused. Then I tried another one, "You know, doctors make horrible patients." They still weren't amused.

Well, the colonoscopy wasn't a big deal. No pain and I can't remember anything except telling the doctor, "Don't put this on the Internet." I was really thirsty when I got home, so I downed a milk shake, a slushy, an iced tea and some other drink. Then it all came up later when I ate dinner.

Yep, today's a good day.

Until later.