The Big Bang Theory

Bang! Our universe came into existence. The explosion rained water and ashes upon the earth and clogged the sewer drains. Out of this slurry wiggled the first slug. It was a creepy, crawly thing that slid on its belly. Later, it mutated and grew five legs. Legs enabled it to pole-vault over sticks on the ground, and it could move fast. It multiplied, and soon the earth was covered with little land rovers that could go zero to sixty in . . . well, no one's really sure.

Finally, two-legged, upright slugs won out. They ate less, and because they stood upright, reached the tomatoes high on the vine that the short, stubby, five-legged ones couldn't. Since they ate less, they didn't spend as much time foraging for food, and their schedules allowed for more discretionary time. So they took off Saturdays and Sundays and became our first human beings.

So there you have it. I can vouch for the authenticity and credibility of this account because I learned about it in college, and believe it to be true. It explains why we're fascinated with Fourth of July fireworks. We are wired to look to the sky, to the source of our being, when a long time ago, the first explosion shook the firmament of the earth and showered us with primordial soup.

Until later.