Are You a Hamster or a Gerbil?

Dear Readers:

You may think a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but it's not true. Hamsters and gerbils are distinct and not the same. I know this to be a fact because I am an expert on both. For a time, my family residence was graced with the very likes of both hamsters and gerbils who called our house their home. My children dutifully cared for their needs, while I, an astute psychiatrist, carefully observed their behavior. I noticed several things about their behavior that reminded me of human beings. First of all, they get in fights a lot, just like us. Sometimes the fights were downright nasty and divorce arraignments had to be made quickly. Occasionally this required returning the offending "hammy" or gerbil to the store for a refund.

Hamsters and gerbils also like to celebrate family time. One time we were blessed to discover middle daughter's hamster had given birth on Christmas morning. What a beautiful present -- baby hamsters on our Lord's birthday. We cooed as we watched the little babies wiggle in their nest. Then, a few minutes later all hell broke loose, as I learned for the first time hamsters waged war against their kids. We discovered baby hamster parts scattered about the cage. I'll leave some of the gory details to your imagination. I guess Mommy had a violent streak. All I can say is, I'm glad she wasn't my mom. After that incident, I'm not sure if my kids will ever be normal. Middle daughter still has that glazed look in her eye.

Finally, did you know gerbils and hamsters have distinct personalities? Hamsters are lazy bums that sleep all day and run on the wheel at night. You'll be up all night listening to squeaking, moving parts. Gerbils are nervous Nellie explorers who are always on the move. Their different behaviors relate to my indoor workouts at the gym. If I'm in the mood to be a gerbil, I hit the gerbil track -- some teeny-weeny track that circles the upper floor of the recreation center. I can pretend I'm exploring this new and novel place. If I'm in the mood to be a hamster, I stand on the treadmill and zone out and let the machine move my feet. All I have to do is make a few corrective movements with my lower extremities to keep from falling off the back end.

Until later.