Flying Turtles

Dear Readers:

My wife and I traveled to Lake Erie this weekend for some R & R, and we checked out a bird sanctuary in a nearby marsh. It was migrating season, and warblers, some a brilliant yellow, flitted from branch to branch, high in the trees. They were hard to see with the naked eye, but my wife's binoculars brought them right up to my nose. Imagine perfectly-formed yellow balls of fluff. We saw other birds also: several eagles, an owl, and a whip-poor-will, to name a few. Serious birders were everywhere, clutching cameras and tripods, and wearing khaki outfits and broad brimmed hats. We quickly discovered if birders grouped together and pointed their cameras in the same direction, it meant there were good sightings ahead.

As I walked along the wooden walkway, I noticed something moving on the ground. A turtle, her head sticking high and sporting a bright yellow throat, was navigating over twigs and leaves. I stopped and watched her while people walked past me. They seemed disinterested in her and were focused on the air-borne creatures. But I stayed longer. Finally, a male birder walked up, and I pointed toward the turtle. He became excited and invited others to take a look. It was a Blanding's Turtle, an unusual find, and considered threatened or endangered in several states. Another man, a naturalist, stopped to give his commentary. He took some pictures and talked into a recorder. People collected around him and lingered. Soon, a crowd formed and telescopic camera lenses and tripods were all around me. I had to move away to allow a camera man a better angle for his turtle picture.

At last, my turtle found her moment of glory and her honor was restored. If only she had wings.

Until later.

Dog's Best Friend?

Why do dogs stay with their owners? And who's really in charge? Think about it. Dogs are using us. We are the ones that do all the work. Dogs don't have to take their humans out for a walk, yet we have to be their chauffeur every day. And when is the last time you saw a dog work an honest 40 hour week? They lie around every day of the year, but we only get two weeks vacation. Dogs are smarter than we might imagine. In fact, I think it's all part of some kind of dog propaganda to have us believe we're in charge. Truth be told, they hire us to take care of them. We're just a bunch of lackeys.

First we had to pay money to get one. No honest dog would cohabit with a human for free. Secondly, they make sure we promise them a lifetime supply of food and toys, before they sign on. They have a dog union, Dog Society, to make sure we get it right. If we don't, the police come and free them. Dogs pretend they're dumb just to keep us unsuspecting and under their control. They tolerate orders like, "Sit," "Bark," and "Rollover," just so they can get free treats. I heard a dog talking over Puppy Chunks one day. He was a back-alley mutt who was frustrated that his human took three weeks to learn how to give a treat. He started to miss his life on the streets and almost left, but he hung on until his master finally got it. After that I guess things worked out okay.

See you next week.

Racing Grandmas

Dear Readers:

Today, I’m at Grandma’s house. I’m helping her with leaky basement issues, bills and the like. She just came back from church and looked disgusted, waving a piece of paper. Turned out she was speeding, and the police officer awarded her a ticket. It was the first time she ever got one. I told her it was like winning the lottery, except someone else won, and she’d have to give them her money. Then I got to be the parent for a bit, and discussed the virtues of safe driving habits, all the gas money she blew, and other important lessons to learn -- sort of like what I’d heard her say when I was a teenager. I encouraged my other siblings to call her and congratulate her for reaching a major milestone and winning her first ticket. I’m tired from all the hard work and phone calls, but it was worth it.

Today, I’m going to be very careful. She might try to swat me with the paper when I’m not looking.

Juicy Lips

Dear Readers:

Another day, and what should come to mind but a man called Juicy Lips. No, this isn't X-rated stuff. More like greasy pimple-faced teenager stuff. Juicy Lips was a name the waitresses gave to a testy patron at a local restaurant. I worked one summer as a bus boy (I was the pimply teenager). This man showed up for coffee and donuts and always left a ten cent tip. He was demanding and often barked orders at the waitresses. I think what really ticked them off was the chump change he left on the table for their efforts to please him.

So the waitresses decided to organize one day. A plan to neutralize him galvanized out of thin air. Juicy Lips, a large, rotund man, so named because he had thick, round lips, shouted out his order one day for more coffee. A waitress promptly showed up and "accidentally" spilled coffee on his lap. She apologized profusely, but I could see her smiling as she headed back for more coffee. All the other waitresses hid behind a counter to watch the scene unfold. They couldn't stop laughing. I got to see it too -- that experience was worth more than ten cents.

Later gator.

Her Brain Wasn't Awake

Dear Readers:

Last night I got to bed too late. I accidentally deleted my posting and had to recreate it from memory. It came out all right, but the light by my computer woke up my wife. She asked me why I was up so late. Our conversation went something like this:

"Why is the light on?"

"Oh, I had to chase away some monkeys that broke into our bedroom."

"What monkeys?"

"The monkeys that broke into our bathroom window. They jumped on your legs -- that's why your legs are sore -- and I had to chase them away with a stick. Go back to bed."

"Are you looking at bad web sites?"

"No."

"Okay. Goodnight."

That was our conversation. If only more couples enjoyed such intellectually stimulating discourse.

Until tomorrow.

My Brain Isn't Awake

Hello first-time readers:

This is my first entry and I have no idea what to write about. How about hippos? I know it's somewhat random, but it was the word that came to mind when I was searching for a blog address. Sadly, it's taken. My inspiration for hippo came from a nature documentary that showcased hippos having a veggie feast on the Nile River, while fishy friends ate the gross stuff between their toes. As for me, I'll take the hippo food over the fish food.

Anyhow, hippos are really cool. When they're happy, they look like giant bobbers floating on the water. All they do is eat all day, while fish-servants give them pedicures. When they're angry, it's time to clear out. They bare their teeth, their mouths gape open, and they turn into fast-moving snap dragons with poor dental hygiene. If I tried to open my mouth that wide, I'd probably end up with temporomandibular joint pain.

Well, it's time to go. We'll talk later.